Guilty

I've been sent here to write by husband.  This post is part of a punishment for my actions this morning.  It is an extra post for the week added to the 3 I already have to do.  I feel really guilty about my actions this morning and know I broke a major rule.  I have a spanking coming later.

One of my biggest issues is "snapping" at my husband when I am upset, frustrated, or tired.  snapping means I say hurtful things, use sarcasm or just have a crappy mood in general.  He doesn't expect me to be miss perfect happy all the time he just expects that when I am upset that I handle it in respectful ways, using nice words and team work to figure out the issue.  Husband also wants me to stop snapping at him in front of our child.  He wants me to set good examples for our child.  And I do too!  I don't want my child thinking its okay to just yell.  I will admit there were times before we started this I would get upset and "snap" at the child. I always felt horrible.  I am sure every mother has been there.  When the baby just wont sleep.  I've never hurt my child but I know I can use a kinder tone with my words.  Husband has made it clear that this was suppose to stop immediately.  It had, until this morning.

Child did not sleep well at all.  It was 7am and he was awake and husband was just snoozing away. (for the record husband takes meds that knock him out at night. Before these meds he helped at night.  don't think he is just lazy and wont help.  He has been just as much as a parent as I have been since child was born.) Anyway I became frustrated, yelled "JUST SLEEP" at the child and then yelled at husband to just take the child so I could sleep.  Yeah, not my greatest moment. 

I immediately knew I was in trouble but continued to snooze and husband did take child and leave the room.  Once I was up I apologized but husband made it clear I had a punishment coming.  After some talking today I now understand this punishment will be harsh.  Its pretty much completely unacceptable to yell at the child.. EVER out of frustration or anger.  The kind of parent I want to be is a caring parent who disciplines in a loving way.  I don't want to be a parent who yells out of anger.  I don't want to be a parent who screams at her child for every little thing.  Its not the child's fault he didn't sleep.  He is still a baby.  I feel horrible.  I cuddled the child all I could. 

I deserve the punishment coming my way this evening.  I will accepted the consequences of my actions.  I trust my husband to realize that I need this today.  That what I did this morning was unacceptable. 

That's all for now.